I'm not usually one to read Nerve, their hipster pretensiousness puts me off, but sometimes funny stuff pops up in my RSS reader, such as dating advice from stand-up comedians. Really, is there anyone more qualified? There's a reason Dr. Drew needed Adam Corolla on the show with him. For example:

My boyfriend likes to talk dirty. I don't have anything against it, I just seem to have performance anxiety and have no idea what to say. How do I let go and go for it?
Use Yosemite Sam euphemisms. And shout them out loud! "Johnny, you better rackem frickidy frackem yo diddly dad mo tittily franny tam of a bridily brack!"

It says so much, with so little lecturing: if you're unsure what to say, don't sweat it, say what comes to you, but don't contrive anything, otherwise you sound like a 3-foot-tall moustachioed gunslinger. I was far less entertaining, right? Comics can do anything better.

The things Dad forgot to tell you about sex? Hell, my dad didn't say anything to me about sex; Mom did a little, but mostly I'm a product of the pro-sex late seventies school system. I turned out OK, right? Just A Guy Thing fills in the blanks that Dad left out, which, um, I don't think I learned about in sex-ed, either. Sadly, anyone remotely sexually active probably filled in those blanks themselves, so my guess is that JAGT is pandering to their 15-year-old boy audience. "Your penis can explode"? Every teenager wishes they could know such things!

What's this? Those free-thinking, socialist-living, friendly-faced Canadians have a problem closing the deal? On average, only about 50% of Canadians achieve orgasm on a regular basis...and guess which half isn't having the orgasms? Yup, the ladies. Come on, Canada: you have legal pot and legal hookers and something other than retarded abstinence-only sex-ed, you must be doing something right!

Oh my god - those AdultFriendFinder ads are right: there are hundreds of hot chicks looking for NSA sex online - and here's one! Oh, wait - it's the only one...she's slept with over 200 guys, but that's where the math breaks down. She averaged one guy every five days, over three years, which is barely slutty. For as cute as she is, she must be beating guys off with a stick to average just one every 5 days. Where this lady's stupidity begins to show: you're a cute girl, you're assertive enough to require condoms and things done your way, you want the guys to go away and have nothing to do with them in the future, and you're not cha! rging $500 an hour for the service? Now that's stupid. (via)

It's actually more complex than you think, but this writer doesn't just handle the manual manipulation of the mammaries: he makes sure that, if you're gonna touch her breasts, she's ready for it. Nothing's worse than a woman unprepared for a breast assault. (sidenote: for those still confused about breast handling, I wrote this last year).

It's a pretty good list of the lies people have told you about sex; too bad The Frisky didn't put more thought or effort into expanding on the thoughts - my favorite lie: Sex is special. Sex is fun, sex shouldn't be tossed around willy-nilly, but, for God's sake, stop acting like it's the most valuable thing on your person. There's a reason most older civilizations didn't have a separate word for 'virgin' - it didn't matter, until religions and society really started to control women and their reproductive rights and identify. They understood: sex isn't the big deal, but what sex causes is. That's "special", and, as a society, we're not taking enough care! of that, instead putting all the pressure on the act itself. Stop making a big deal about sex, and start focusing on our people's health and mental well-being.

In a survey of Australian men, scholars have found that those who drink are less likely to have erectile dysfunction than teetotallers. Wait - they managed to find Australians who aren't drunks? Amirite, guys? Eh? Guys? Um...anyhow, I'll bet the survey's results mean overall penile satisfaction; if you're the woman trying to get a drunk guy's erection to make an appearance, well, you're going to lose out in the short run. Check back with him when he's sober: his dick will work better than the weird guy at the party to drank Cokes all night and stared at every girl's breasts.

CNN asks the tough question: is it OK for your significant other to have guy friends? Answer: Don't be an idiot about it. The examples is the article, however, all seem to have discovered the fact that "the guy I'd rather hang out with" is "the guy I should be fucking more often", which - duh - is what your lady is going to figure out if she spends a lot of time with a guy alone, guys. Mutually platonic relationships are hard to find; truly sexual people will find that at least one half will want more than the other...and that's tough, since the "more" will eventually lead to sex, because that's what close guys and gals do with each other.

A UC Davis study shows that teens in a "romantic sexual relationship" are far less likely to commit crimes, do drugs, or otherwise fuck up their lives, than their slutty peers who don't experience romance but have reckless sex anyway. What about our abstinence-only peers? They have low crime-rates as well, which means that it's not the lack of sex, but the lack of morals that mess up kids' lives. If you ask me, however, which is better: sex ed with sex, or sex ed without sex? Dude, let the kids have sex, do it right, and they might turn out better than you thought.

Obama fans got it on when he won, so it seems inauguration day will be much the same. Ah, fucking: is there anything you can't make awesomer?

Well, this message isn't for the asexual: it's for those of you who like looking at the pictures on this website. I highly doubt you're lacking a sex drive - but lots of other people don't have one. And, it's not a problem - I want to remind everyone that sex is a hugely faceted feature of human life, and everything, short of unsolicited injury and abuse of non-consenting entities, is acceptable...including people who have no drive. The attitude tends to be, "dude, something's wrong with you - how can you not have sex?" but, really, there's nothing wrong with it whatsoever...unless you're the highly-sexual one in the pairing. Sex is an important part in a relationship, and there's ! always someone with similar needs...don't be the asexual who's feeling raped to satisfy their partner, or the sexual who's feeling neglected to avoid feeling manipulative. Get laid, but only when and how you want to. It only furthers the proof that pre-marital sex is absolutely necessary: you might find that saving themselves for marriage is wayyy too easy for your partner, and they'd rather keep saving it forever. Sexual compatibility is a necessary part of life.

Teachers, you're in luck if you live in Washington! There's no laws on the books that bar a teacher from sleeping with an 18-year-old student, because the law is unnecessarily vague. Hell, unnecessarily-vague laws are what protect all of us from being persecuted for one thing or another, so it looks like we'll see fewer news stories from Washington of a teacher-student relationship; they're all moving to the Penthouse Letters section.

As we all know, at least from what television told me, people who operate a computer are tall, skinny, have poor muscular control, exhibit poor hygeine, and dress in ill-fitting clerical clothing. Eh, some grow out of it, but the majority are destined for a life of loveless solitude. That is, until Germany stepped up and began to offer courses in soliciting romance at the Potsdam University. Students will learn how to flirt via new technologies (no uncomfortable personal contact!), impress people (show them your huge calculator!) and handle rejection (because, well, if you need a course in flirting, you've never experienc! ed it before). I wouldn't be surprised if the course is taken by people in other majors, though; math nerds, physicists, sociologists...art majors, however, already have no problem getting laid, but it will be mandatory to take "Handling Geek Love 101", in which they are taught how not to completely damage a nerd emotionally. Seriously, have you ever dated an art school girl? She's a demon in the sack, but they'll chew up and spit out some socially inept computer student, undoing three credits worth of flirting advice in mere moments.

The Daily Spank asks the important questions: how long to go down on a guy before sex happens? They come up with an average of around 6 minutes, which is pretty good; but, like the one person said, there's a point where it's "alright already, time to fuck!" I'm one of those lucky people who simply can't have an orgasm from oral sex - I'm not saying it doesn't feel really, really good, I just can't 'close the deal' that way - which is fine for women who don't want things done too soon ("gimme fifteen, twenty minutes to recharge, baby"), but it means I can go far longer than her jaw. About every woman I've dated has taken it as a challenge at least once ("he's just never had a woman do it right!"), and most have succeeded...! but only after a half hour of slurping, and they usually resort to a hand-job towards the end. Whatever makes her feel like she's succeeded is fine by me! Six minutes to ten minutes sounds alright; it's about how long I can go down on a lady, so it keeps things even.

There's a way to tell how much sex Brits are having: check the website statistics for asthma triggers. Apparently, asthmatics have generally searched more for information on sex-caused asthma-attacks, but lately those have fallen off; more people are worried about the flu causing asthma flare-ups. They even have some tips on controlling asthma: Keep your blue reliever inhaler with you at all times, you never know when you might need it, Wrap up well and wear a scarf over your nose and mouth - this will help to warm up the air before you breathe it in, Take extra care when exercising in cold weather. Warm up for 10-15 minutes and take a couple of puffs of your reliever inhaler before you start. Man, if "! wrap a scarf over your mouth and nose" was the sex-asthma advice I found, I'd stop going there for tips, too. Hmmm...on second thought...hot knitted-scarf sex? Might be sexier than I thought.

Some absurdly horny gentleman decided he really, really needed to fuck something. Rather than taking out his romantic intentions on a park bench or a nut, he did the responsible thing: he broke into a bunch of sex shops, stole blow-up dolls, and fucked them in the alley. Police reportedly have - ew - acquired DNA evidence from the scene.

Car sex isn't a good idea in winter, so don't think you've got it all figured out. A young couple decided to have some naughty fun in the backseat of her car, but due to the cold decided to make themselves cozy...by parking in a garage and leaving the engine running. Hormones really do impede all logical thought. All the panting and exertion probably didn't help; they died from carbon monoxide poisoning.

If you're looking for a gal ready to hop in the sack, look for the curvy ones: size 8 gals are most likely to have had sex recently, because, well, it's that nice Baby Bear size, I'll bet: not a bag of antlers, but cozy enough to get your arms around. In other cute statistics, they listed things done to avoid having sex - on the Men's list: Made love wearing only their socks. WTF? Does that somehow defeat a women's ability to criticize your beer belly? One sad statistic: even though Size 8s are having more sex, they're still as critical of their body as somebody more obese. Come on, women: that size 4 dress you want to get into just makes you look either bony, or like a teenage bo! y. Guys want a little shape to their ladies; you can't be curvy and weigh a hundred pounds.

Yup, you missed out again: the time between Christmas and New Years' is one of the most sex-filled stretches of the year. Could be because those seven days are full of days off from work, the fun of gift-giving, open-bar office parties, and getting drunk with your cousins. Wait, that last one, well, I don't know about you, but to each his own, I guess. Anyhow, check out next September to October for a flurry of baby-birthing, thanks to a slutty holiday season.

Ugly guys, you've got a chance: a group testing the "beer goggles" phenomenon found that women have the effect more permanently than men: frequent drinkers retain the beer-google effect even while sober. Now, if only they'd be sexier, it would be a perfect deal.